


Different sides

by theonetruenorth



Series: Shadowhunters headcanons [11]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: #protectaleclightwood2k16, Brothers, Coda, Embedded Images, Episode Related, Gen, Parabatai Bond, S01E09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 11:32:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8142179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonetruenorth/pseuds/theonetruenorth
Summary: Alec drops back on his ass, the dagger tumbling from his numb fingers and he can’t stop repeating one question in his head, over and over again.
  How did we end up here?
Because did he really just put a blade to his parabatai’s throat?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Otherwise known as “oh Alec, you sweet summer child…”
> 
> Written because I needed to FIX the hell out of that episode. It killed me. This is my own response to [THIS](http://theonetruenorth.tumblr.com/post/140751584781/okay-so-i-think-i-need-to-get-something-off-my) rant I had some time ago.

“I don’t want to be alive if we’re on different sides, Alec!”

Those words hurt him more than a punch to the chest, more than the pulsating, throbbing pain in his shoulder where the wound from the Forsaken festers. Alec looks at Jace, at the wild, hunted look in his eyes and it’s like he can suddenly see, like he can _breathe_ for the first time in days. Jace is gasping from the effort and in the back of his mind Alec knows that Jace let him win this fight; he was always better at hand to hand combat.

Jace didn’t _want_ to hurt him.

Alec drops back on his ass, the dagger tumbling from his numb fingers and he can’t stop repeating one question in his head, over and over again.

_How did we end up here?_

Because did he really just put a blade to his parabatai’s throat?

Jace scrambles up to sit and for a moment he looks like he’s about to raise himself up but after a second of hesitation he stays down. He doesn’t want to stand over Alec, doesn’t want to tower over him, doesn’t want to make it seem like Alec’s rightful place is at Jace’s feet.

Alec says nothing, just stares blankly ahead but he shifts his arm a little and an involuntary wince crosses his features for a brief second, so fast that Jace could have missed it if he blinked.

Jace inches closer to him, until their sides are almost touching and Alec doesn’t protest, doesn’t move at all when Jace manhandles him out of his jacket, peeling up his shirt sleeve. The bandage on his arm is soaked through with black blood, his system fighting off the toxic wound of a Forsaken.

“Oh shit,” Jace hisses, his eyes going wide for a second when he realizes that one of his kicks must have connected directly with the wound.

He did this to Alec.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Jace sounds a little frantic as he digs out his stele from his pocket and starts applying an iratze on a free patch of skin on Alec’s arm. His hands are shaking and he forces himself to focus. His healing rune is in addition to the one Alec already has and the one that Robert placed on him, but runes they do for each other as parabatai always work better.

Alec is quiet as Jace finishes, his fingers still cradling Alec’s arm for a long moment after he is done. Eventually, Jace slumps a little, his free hand travelling up to grasp the side of Alec’s neck and he lowers his head until he’s resting his forehead against Alec’s shoulder.

Alec is warm and alive and breathing and Jace uses his senses to make sure that his brother is still in one piece.

“There has to be another way,” Jace says after a long moment of silence, his head still bowed, his breath a whisper of a touch against Alec’s skin. “You can’t get married to Lydia.”

“There isn’t.” Jace thinks he should sound angry, resentful, but Alec just sounds tired and defeated instead. “Do you know my parents can officially arrange Max’s betrothal to some girl of their choosing?”

At this Jace’s head snaps up, looking at Alec in shock. Max was only eight, he was still a _baby_...

“He would have to marry her when he turns eighteen. Or if not him, then Izzy.” Alec looks at Jace, satisfied with the growing look of horror he sees in his eyes. “And the only way Izzy gets sold off to the highest bidder is over my dead body.”

“Jesus.” Jace drops his hands to his lap, like a puppet with cut of strings. “Robert and Maryse wouldn’t actually do that.”

“They would.” Alec looks away. “They wanted to do it to _me_ . They just thought that it would be a _nice thing to do_ to let me try and find a wife on my own first.” He snorts, an ugly, humorless sound. “They didn’t expect me to ask Lydia, though.”

“Alec...”

“And you,” Alec continues, interrupting him, “even if you were willing to do it you couldn’t, because we’re not related by blood. It has to be one of us three.” Alec looks away again, focusing on one of the stains on the concrete floor. “I guess it’s a good thing, since we both know you wouldn’t do it anyways.”

“I...”

“And that’s okay. I wouldn’t want you to do it either. That’s not your job.”

“But it’s _yours_?” Jace hisses out, wanting to stop Alec from talking. Each word cuts him deeper and deeper with the painful realization of just how much he’s failed his parabatai.

“I’m the oldest.” Alec shrugs, like it’s no big deal, like he’s not killing himself on the inside. “It was always my path.”

“What was?” Jace’s hands are trembling in his lap. He doesn’t want to hear this but he knows he _must_.

“Protecting our family.” Alec pulls the sleeve of his shirt down, the fabric already clearly ruined. “Protecting you. And Izzy. And Max.”

Jace reaches up, slowly, hesitantly, like he isn’t sure if Alec is going to slap his hands away but he doesn’t, so Jace cradles his face in his hands like something delicate and precious.

“What about your own happiness?” Jace asks, knowing it’s a naive question. Alec never truly took time to figure out for himself what really makes him happy. “What about what you want?”

“I want to keep our family safe. I want to keep the Institute,” Alec answers. “And I want to do it on my own terms.”

There’s one more question that Jace needs to ask but he isn’t sure if Alec is going to punch him again.

“What about Magnus?”

Alec twitches in his hold, wants to move away but Jace keeps him still, their gazes connected.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Alec,” Jace protests, his voice calm and cautious, like he’s trying to talk down a feral animal. “Don’t pretend. Not now.”

Alec swallows, his jaw working, the movement quick and sharp.

“It doesn’t matter,” He finally says, emotionless. “Not anymore.”

Jace looks at him, at his brother and best friend, and sees a stranger. No, maybe not a stranger yet, but someone that soon he won’t be able to touch anymore.

He’s afraid for Alec, afraid of the future he’s choosing for himself.

But in that moment Jace is hit with a flash of clarity.

The way Alec had been acting, the choices he’d made... Jace thinks that for the first time in their shared lives the choices are truly _Alec’s_ , no other influence hanging over him like a noose slowly slipping over his neck. And Jace was too blind to see it.

He’s not going to fail Alec again.

“Okay,” Jace says, slowly, his hands slipping down to Alec’s shoulders and giving him a small squeeze.

“Okay?” Alec asks, confused, an eyebrow rising up in question.

“Okay. If this is what you choose.” Jace looks him in the eye. “I’ve got your back. Just tell me what do so I can help you.”

Alec hesitates. He’s wants to believe Jace, he wants it _so much_ , but he’s been burned by him too many times already. Jace knows that now and it makes him feel like shit.

“And what are you going to do if I ask you to choose between the Clave and Clary again?”

Jace’s eye twitches, but that’s the only telltale sign that he doesn’t like that idea.

“We’ll talk about it,” Jace answers eventually, the words a little hesitant, as if the idea of too much talking offends him on a personal level but he’s willing to go an extra mile for Alec’s sake . “I can’t promise I’ll agree to everything you say--”

“When did you ever,” Alec mutters, more to himself than to Jace.

“-- but I’m sure we can figure something out.”

Alec’s eyes are skeptical.

He wants to give Jace one more chance. He _needs_ to do it, needs to know that the bond he shares with Jace is more than just empty words to him. He needs to know that the burning, shining bond he feels anchored deeply in his soul is not just one sided, that Jace can feel it too and respects it as well.

Alec looks his parabatai in the eyes, his gaze afraid and imploring.

_Please don’t betray me, because it kills a little part of me every single time._

_Please choose my side, for once._

_Please don’t hurt me again._

He looks at Jace.

He nods.

**Author's Note:**

> Every fic in this series is first posted to my tumblr and I upload it to AO3 with a delay. If you want to read my stories as soon as I finish them, follow me there: theonetruenorth.tumblr.com
> 
> Beta-read by [brizzbee](http://brizzbee.tumblr.com/)


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